Those were the words that I heard over and over again from women who read my book, Autobiography of an Orgasm. The book is about the five years I researched orgasm as a way to heal.
Me too. I was molested as a child and was too scared to tell anyone.
Me too. I was a sexually curious teenager but felt taken advantage of by teenage boys who played with my body without asking permission.
Me too. I was raped in college, but because it was someone I knew, I didn’t think it was rape so I stayed quiet.
Me too. I had sex with men, even with my husband, that wasn’t satisfying.
Me too. I didn’t think I could have an orgasm. It was easier just to fake it.
Me too. I thought something was wrong with me, and I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it.
Many of the women asked for guidance on what to do next. How to reclaim and remember their body as both holy and as a vessel for joy? The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, more than twice the number in the tip of a penis. Some experts say there are 70 types of orgasm. With all the possibilities and if women are wired to feel good, why are so many women walking around feeling bad—or even numb—in their bodies?
And then one woman wrote to me words that made my heart sink. “I’m glad you found your orgasm,” she wrote. “But it’s too late for me. I can’t afford to take courses like you did and even if I did, I don’t have a partner to experiment with. I’m almost sixty. I’m alone. It’s too late for me.”
Her words landed like a strike of lightening in my body. No it’s not too late, I wanted to shout through my response to her. I want to show you it’s possible to feel again at any age. I want you to know that you are the expert on your body. I want you to know that it’s possible to experience ecstasy in your body no matter how old you are. Instead, I thanked her for reading the book and for taking the time to write to me. I couldn’t offer her anything else because I hadn’t already lived it.
For days, I thought about her letter – and then came up with a solution. I decided to take myself on as a research project to see what would happen if I lived for a year without having a partner or lover. I wanted to know my body without looking for the answers in a book or finding in a course in sexuality. I wanted to listen to my body instead of an expert on sensuality. I wanted to know what was possible without relying on a lover to take me there. I was 52 and committed to a year without sex with a partner so I could speak authentically on how to coexist with my sensual energy. No partners, no toys, no distractions. Just me.
It turned out to be the most sensual year of my life.
I feel there is something unexplored about woman that only a woman can explore.
The results of that year are in my book Beyond O being released September 13, 2017.
For now, I’ll leave you with advice from some the women featured in the new anthology, Autobiographies of Our Orgasms, Vol. III:
If you could give one piece of advice to your younger self about your orgasm, what would it be?
It’s nothing to be ashamed of. There is nothing to feel bad about when exploring orgasm and your own body’s sensations.
Trust yourself enough to let go—with someone worthy of holding onto.
Let no boy, no man, no soulmate, no sacred text nor passing belief dictate what you know deep down to be true.
It is yours, Dear One. It is all yours. It isn’t something you give away or wait till someone else gives you. It is safe, and it is an expression of all that you are.
I would tell her to love her body, that she and her body are beautiful and there is nothing wrong with her body or her. I would sit and talk to her about her feelings and the changes going on in her body and explain that everything that is happening, all the changes, are normal and to love the changes. I would tell her not to be ashamed of who she is and what she wears. I would tell her to speak up and tell someone how she feels.
Your enjoyment of sex IS SO IMPORTANT. It’s as important as any partner’s enjoyment. DO NOT sacrifice yourself for the sake of him. You are not simply there for his pleasure / enjoyment. You are there for yourself, as well. For god(dess)’s sake, if what’s happening is not doing it for you, SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF.
You are beautiful and lovely and perfect in every way possible. It is your orgasm, it is your body, it is your power, and it is your choice!
You are valid, and loved, you are enough and worthy.